Inside the Bearded Clam Back Catalogue: 1981–2002

Every frame on Barry Bobbins' office wall tells a story. Most of them are stories Barry tells better — longer, anyway — but ahead of DILKED's arrival in early 2027, here is the official tour of the Bearded Clam Productions back catalogue, 1981 to 2002. Thirty-four years in adult entertainment. One wall. One crooked frame.

A Fistful of Doreen (1981)

The one that started the wall. A spaghetti western shot on a building site in Pitsea, starring a formidable leading lady who now, twenty years later, keeps the very same studio spotless. She cleaned up the West. She has never stopped cleaning.

Star Whores: The Empire Strikes Back Door (1983)

Bearded Clam goes to space, on a budget that did not. The getaway ship was a hostess trolley. In space, everyone can hear you — and in the Basildon Trades & Labour Club, where the premiere was held, everyone did.

Chodehouse (1985)

The action years. A bouncer keeps the peace, and everything else, at a neon roadhouse of questionable licensing. The star's own eyebrow received separate billing in some territories.

Golden Rain Man (1988)

The prestige picture. Some gifts can't be explained, and neither can the umbrella hat, which remains in a display case at the studio to this day. Submitted for several awards. Returned by most of them.

Squirty Dancing (1988)

The masterpiece. The lift was real. There were no wires. Nobody puts Berta in a corner — for safety reasons — and nobody has ever been allowed to remake it, for reasons the company describes only as "some things you don't touch." Its frame hangs crooked on the office wall. It is always one.

Pump Friction (2002)

The current production, and the one the documentary cameras arrived to find. You won't know the answer. Neither, famously, did the fire brigade.

Captain Colossus (2002)

Coming soon, says the poster. The poster is an optimist. What happened on that shoot is a matter for the series.

Ohhh No It Isn't!! — Live (2002)

One night only. Live on the internet. A UK record audience, a flying rig, a safe that stayed shut, and a sleeve that was hung on the wall crooked by the owner's own hand. How Bearded Clam Productions got from the casting sofa to 44,806 simultaneous viewers is, more or less, the whole story of DILKED. Early 2027. Bring a tarpaulin.