Dilked
The cast

Meet the characters

Every subject filmed in their own corner of the building — the office, the talent, the freelancers, and Felton Avenue itself.

8 characters

The Office

  • Barry Bobbins

    Owner

    Barrow boy turned Britain's most confident pornographer. Barry built Bearded Clam Productions from a Basildon fruit and veg stall and has spent 34 years refusing to change a single thing about it — including his conviction that the internet is "Betamax with wires." Basildon's nickname, Bas Vegas, was coined in his honour. According to Barry.

  • Paul Lyons

    Scriptwriter

    Barry's oldest friend and Bearded Clam's one-man writers' room. Met Barry at school, where Barry sold stink bombs and Paul wrote the labels. Nothing has changed. Describes himself as the voice of reason, on camera, without irony.

  • Adi Byokoise

    Website & Online Marketing Developer

    Fresh out of university and the only person in the building who can see the future — employed by the one man in Britain determined to ignore it. Fights a daily war over domain names, dial-up, and why BeardedClam.co.uk is somehow already taken.

  • Doreen Thomas

    Cleaner · Former performer, 1961–1979

    Forty years of everything, armed with marigolds and a pink mop. Doreen has seen it, cleaned it, and on two occasions helped carry it downstairs. Married to Pete. The most unshockable woman in Essex.

  • Pete Thomas

    Sound Engineer · Formerly 31 years, BBC

    Three decades of Top of the Pops professionalism, now applied to recording noises the BBC never trained him for. Colour-coded cables, broadcast-quality levels, and a thousand-yard stare he insists is concentration. Married to Doreen.

  • Hugh Wilton

    Cameraman · Formerly 22 years in wildlife documentaries

    Twenty-two years filming apex predators prepared Hugh for almost everything at Bearded Clam. He works from self-built hides, never startles the talent, and narrates what he sees in a reverent whisper that David Attenborough would recognise and immediately regret.

  • Eddie Knight

    Set Builder & Contraption Developer

    Forty-one years building Norton motorbikes; now applies the same principles — load, counterweight, travel — to the leisure sector. Every Eddie creation is lovingly engineered, boldly named, and perfectly safe. Every single one.

  • Lisa Jones

    Fluffer (part-time)

    Works the corner shop on Felton Avenue full time, and on her breaks she helps out next door. In what capacity, she would honestly rather not say.

2 characters

The Talent

  • Dick Shagger

    Lead Performer · 25 years with Bearded Clam

    A quarter of a century of leading-man service, one raised eyebrow, one cravat, and one knee that is absolutely fine. Ding dong.

  • Davina Delights

    Lead Performer · With Bearded Clam since 1978

    Nearly the next Twiggy, until the South American misunderstanding — the details of which were widely and inaccurately reported at the time. Barry put her in front of a camera the week she came home with nothing, and she has never forgotten it. People laugh at Barry. She'd ask them not to do it in front of her.

4 characters

The Freelancers

  • Rhino

    Freelance Performer

    Bearded Clam's most in-demand freelancer. The nickname is not explained on this website.

  • Berta The Squirter

    Freelance Performer · Industry legend

    The undisputed legend of her particular discipline, guarding her crown against a new generation of longer-range online rivals. Demands include a dehumidifier, tarpaulin approval, and Evian. Only Evian.

  • Bam Bam

    Freelance Performer

    Liverpool's most punctual professional. Arrives last minute, delivers first take, gone by lunch. Has never once required assistance.

  • Womb Raider

    Freelance Performer · Star of Chalk the Chode

    Australian, surf-raised, and the star of Chalk the Chode — the online sensation redefining what a snooker-themed adult feature can be. The future of the industry, according to everyone except the man trying to hire him.

2 characters

Felton Avenue

  • Tony

    Boyfriend / "Management"

    Lisa's boyfriend, publicist, and self-appointed management. Available for on-screen work. Has done a first-aid course, has his own transport, and goes gym.

  • Len Potter

    SOS Cabs

    Bearded Clam's account driver. Two words a day, maximum. Has seen far worse in that seat.