The cast

Meet the characters

Every subject filmed in their own corner of the building — the office, the talent, the freelancers, and Felton Avenue itself.

8 characters

The Office

Barry Bobbins

Owner

Barrow boy turned Britain's most confident pornographer. Barry built Bearded Clam Productions from a Basildon fruit and veg stall and has spent 34 years refusing to change a single thing about it — including his conviction that the internet is "Betamax with wires." Basildon's nickname, Bas Vegas, was coined in his honour. According to Barry.
Paul Lyons

Scriptwriter

Barry's oldest friend and Bearded Clam's one-man writers' room. Met Barry at school, where Barry sold stink bombs and Paul wrote the labels. Nothing has changed. Describes himself as the voice of reason, on camera, without irony.
Adi Byokoise

Website & Online Marketing Developer

Fresh out of university and the only person in the building who can see the future — employed by the one man in Britain determined to ignore it. Fights a daily war over domain names, dial-up, and why BeardedClam.co.uk is somehow already taken.
Doreen Thomas

Cleaner · Former performer, 1961–1979

Forty years of everything, armed with marigolds and a pink mop. Doreen has seen it, cleaned it, and on two occasions helped carry it downstairs. Married to Pete. The most unshockable woman in Essex.
Pete Thomas

Sound Engineer · Formerly 31 years, BBC

Three decades of Top of the Pops professionalism, now applied to recording noises the BBC never trained him for. Colour-coded cables, broadcast-quality levels, and a thousand-yard stare he insists is concentration. Married to Doreen.
Hugh Wilton

Cameraman · Formerly 22 years in wildlife documentaries

Twenty-two years filming apex predators prepared Hugh for almost everything at Bearded Clam. He works from self-built hides, never startles the talent, and narrates what he sees in a reverent whisper that David Attenborough would recognise and immediately regret.
Eddie Knight

Set Builder & Contraption Developer

Forty-one years building Norton motorbikes; now applies the same principles — load, counterweight, travel — to the leisure sector. Every Eddie creation is lovingly engineered, boldly named, and perfectly safe. Every single one.
Lisa Jones

Fluffer (part-time)

Works the corner shop on Felton Avenue full time, and on her breaks she helps out next door. In what capacity, she would honestly rather not say.

2 characters

The Talent

Dick Shagger

Lead Performer · 25 years with Bearded Clam

A quarter of a century of leading-man service, one raised eyebrow, one cravat, and one knee that is absolutely fine. Ding dong.
Davina Delights

Lead Performer · With Bearded Clam since 1978

Nearly the next Twiggy, until the South American misunderstanding — the details of which were widely and inaccurately reported at the time. Barry put her in front of a camera the week she came home with nothing, and she has never forgotten it. People laugh at Barry. She'd ask them not to do it in front of her.

6 characters

The Freelancers

Rhino

Freelance Performer

Bearded Clam's most in-demand freelancer. The nickname is not explained on this website.
Berta The Squirter

Freelance Performer · Industry legend

The undisputed legend of her particular discipline, guarding her crown against a new generation of longer-range online rivals. Demands include a dehumidifier, tarpaulin approval, and Evian. Only Evian.
Bam Bam

Freelance Performer

Liverpool's most punctual professional. Arrives last minute, delivers first take, gone by lunch. Has never once required assistance.
Womb Raider

Freelance Performer · Star of Chalk the Chode

Australian, surf-raised, and the star of Chalk the Chode — the online sensation redefining what a snooker-themed adult feature can be. The future of the industry, according to everyone except the man trying to hire him.
Fatdick Swayze

Freelance Performer · Tribute artist

Basildon's premier Swayze physique. Learned the lift off Dick Shagger's tape, frame by frame, until the ribbon wore out. Carrying the flame, chief.
Anita Handfull

Freelance Performer · 11 years in the industry

Eleven years in the industry and never once flustered. Third superhero picture. Does the crossword between takes. Seven across is "ostrich."

2 characters

Felton Avenue

Tony

Boyfriend / "Management"

Lisa's boyfriend, publicist, and self-appointed management. Available for on-screen work. Has done a first-aid course, has his own transport, and goes gym.
Len Potter

SOS Cabs

Bearded Clam's account driver. Two words a day, maximum. Has seen far worse in that seat.

6 characters

Basildon & Beyond

Dennis Hutton

Filmed the incident

He only went out for a battery for the smoke alarm. Keeps the original tape in a Tesco bag, films kestrels up the A127, and does not have — and shan't be getting — the computer. His nephew Gareth declined to be interviewed.
Keith

Caretaker, Basildon Sports & Leisure

Twenty-two years at Basildon Sports & Leisure. He's had the darts. He's had the cage birds — twice. The booking said badminton.
Miss Prior

Teacher, St. Augustine's Primary

Year 4's teacher, and the sharpest radar in Essex. On one memorable school trip she saw nothing, and understood everything.
The Steward

Steward, Trades & Labour Club

Guardian of the Basildon Trades & Labour Club, its honours board, and its laminated signage. The sign says no confetti.
The Mayor of Basildon

Mayor of Basildon

Basildon's first citizen and a thoroughly good sport. Ask him about the egg. Actually — don't.
Don Devlin

Local businessman

Local businessman.